THE QUEENS SPEECH AND BABY BORN IN A PETROL STATION

QUEENS SPEECH.

Good afternoon and happy Xmas. I’m sitting here with the great Buckingham Palace staircase in the background. Those are the actual stairs that Princess Di flung herself down. But luckily for Diana she landed on my sister Princess Margaret who was crawling up them at the time.

And hasn’t it been a good year for my United Kingdom.

Andy Murray won Wimbledon and Andy is a great friend of my son Charles, and many the hours they spend together wondering just how to get rid of their Mothers.

But in my defence, at least I give my son Charles some breathing space, unlike Andy and Judy’s relationship which in my opinion is perhaps a bit Norman Bates and his mother.

In 2013 came the sad news that Nelson Mandela had passed away, a man who spent 27 years in jail, a man who went from prison and into politics, which is the direct polar opposite how Denis McShanes career went.

President Barack Obama attended Mr Mandela’s memorial service in South Africa where he was joined by hundreds of other leaders from all around the world. This gave President Obama the chance to speak to the other leaders to find out face to face what they were thinking, instead of his usual way of getting the American security services to listen in on their phone calls.

And there was a new royal baby this year and he cries a lot, in fact I haven’t heard so much crying since the phone calls I received from my son Prince Edward when he was doing basic training with the Royal Marines.

There was also a new Pope elected this year, Pope Francis the First who seems a lot less preachy than his predecessor Benedict the Sixteenth.

Benedict said he felt that at 85 he was too old physically to go on. Meanwhile 87 year old Hugh Hefner married a 26 year old so one yet again has to ask the question. Does celibacy take a bigger toll than rampant hedonism?

The new Pope Francis is on Twitter, the Catholic Church said it wants to engage with young people, in a way that doesn’t involve hush money.

Thank you for listening and have happy Xmas and a prosperous New Year.

GARAGE BABY.

A woman has given birth to a baby boy in a petrol station in Edinburgh.

Nicola McLean and her partner Julian Skinner were on their way to hospital when they were forced to pull in when they noticed that as the petrol station was closing for Xmas they were offering close to sell by date Ginster pasties at 75% off.

During the pasty purchase Nicola went into Labour but luckily a midwife just happened to be in the petrol station at the same time.

So going into labour turned out to be advantageous for the expectant mother as she saw a mid wife straight away because if she’d made it to the hospital it would have been hours before she saw one. There’s a moral here somewhere.

The baby was delivered in 45 minutes and is doing well. Nicola said she was shocked and tired. Tired because of the strain of pushing a baby out and shocked because the petrol station staff out the CCTV of her giving birth on Youtube.

INITIALS.

A surgeon at the Queen Elizabeth hospital has been suspended over allegations that he branded his initials into a patient’s liver.  This wasn’t necessarily a bad thing because he had obviously carried out a successful operation if he was willing to put his name to it. Given the large number of medical incompetence cases there are nowadays perhaps every surgeon should be legally obliged to sign his name or even a number to an operated on organ. Even jeans come with a factory checkers number on a little slip inside the pocket that denotes that the jeans have been checked and are perfect. 

Yet surgeons can get away with anonymously operating on a liver or a kidney with no comeback blame should the organ has been left upside down, backwards or inside out.

BUCKFAST.

The Monks in Devon who produce Buckfast wine have said that it’s not fair to blame their wine for crime in Scotland. Strathclyde Police (now Police Scotland) revealed that Buckfast consumption has been linked to 6,500 crimes in the last three years.

So like the monks in Devon a lot of Buckfast drinkers sleep in cells, the only difference being that the Monks cells are in a monastery and the crime committers cells are in police stations.

Hampshire based J Chandler and Co which bottles and sells Buckfast is taking legal action to stop Police Scotland adding anti crime labels to Buckfast bottles. The company’s argument is that the majority of Buckfast drinkers drink responsibly. Which is true, it’s the other 49% who are responsible for the Buckfast fuelled chaos. Oddly Buckfast only accounts for 0.5% of alcohol sales in Scotland, but given the fact that Scots drink per head more than the per heads in the rest of the UK that 0.5% is worth £27b a year to the Monks. This probably explains why on the Sunday Times Rich List 2013 ninety four of the top 100 places were taken up with Brothers from Buckfast Abbey.

The order takes no responsibility for the crime figures claiming that they only make the tonic wine and what people choose to do after drinking nine bottles of it has got nothing to do with them.

This could be why the order chose the name Buckfast. It’s because they can pass the Buck faster than anyone.