THE PPI
MISSELLING POT
More than £2bn was wiped from the value of Lloyd’s shares yesterday as investors baulked at another huge provision for PPI mis-selling and the delay of dividend payments.
In a pre-emptive move ahead of its full-year results next week, the state-backed lender said it expected to post a £6.2bn profit for 2013, before the write-offs.
But it also revealed it has been forced to set aside another £1.8bn to compensate customers mis-sold payment protection insurance.
The huge PPI provision, which takes Lloyds’ total bill so far to £9.8bn, is far bigger than had been predicted.
The bank, which also revealed it had set aside another £130m for mis-selling complex interest rate swaps to small firms, could give no assurances that this provision would be its last.
PPI claim back at http://www.consumerkings.co.uk/#!how-to-claim-ppi/c1xo4
Source; The Daily Mail.
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/money/markets/article-2551077/Lloyds-shares-dive-investors-baulk-PPI-provision.html#ixzz2sX4Yz4Tv
TOOTHPASTE?
The US has warned the Russians that terrorists could sneak explosives inside toothpaste tubes on to flights bound for the winter games. The terrorists were apparently going to try hiding explosives inside shaving foam containers but standing there at airport security with a big mad fundamentalist beard WITH a small can of shaving foam would have been a bit of a giveaway. Generally speaking terrorists are pretty stupid people because only a ridiculous moron would believe that killing themselves in a bombing leads to getting 72 virgins in heaven, but even terrorists aren’t stupid enough to think that a security officer won’t notice that can of shaving foam is superfluous to needs for a big mad bearded fundamentalist lunatic.
Their latest “we hate everyone who isn’t us” means that toothpaste will be added to the long list of items you aren’t allowed to take on an aircraft. This will indeed lead to problems, especially for long haul passengers. There they’ll be arriving in Australia for instance and meeting relatives they haven’t seen in ages at the arrival hall. And when they go to greet their relatives with a big kiss they’ll be told “Wow, your breath is stinking, here have some Tic Tacs and we’ll try that again”.
In a pre-emptive move ahead of its full-year results next week, the state-backed lender said it expected to post a £6.2bn profit for 2013, before the write-offs.
But it also revealed it has been forced to set aside another £1.8bn to compensate customers mis-sold payment protection insurance.
The huge PPI provision, which takes Lloyds’ total bill so far to £9.8bn, is far bigger than had been predicted.
The bank, which also revealed it had set aside another £130m for mis-selling complex interest rate swaps to small firms, could give no assurances that this provision would be its last.
PPI claim back at http://www.consumerkings.co.uk/#!how-to-claim-ppi/c1xo4
Source; The Daily Mail.
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/money/markets/article-2551077/Lloyds-shares-dive-investors-baulk-PPI-provision.html#ixzz2sX4Yz4Tv
TOOTHPASTE?
The US has warned the Russians that terrorists could sneak explosives inside toothpaste tubes on to flights bound for the winter games. The terrorists were apparently going to try hiding explosives inside shaving foam containers but standing there at airport security with a big mad fundamentalist beard WITH a small can of shaving foam would have been a bit of a giveaway. Generally speaking terrorists are pretty stupid people because only a ridiculous moron would believe that killing themselves in a bombing leads to getting 72 virgins in heaven, but even terrorists aren’t stupid enough to think that a security officer won’t notice that can of shaving foam is superfluous to needs for a big mad bearded fundamentalist lunatic.
Their latest “we hate everyone who isn’t us” means that toothpaste will be added to the long list of items you aren’t allowed to take on an aircraft. This will indeed lead to problems, especially for long haul passengers. There they’ll be arriving in Australia for instance and meeting relatives they haven’t seen in ages at the arrival hall. And when they go to greet their relatives with a big kiss they’ll be told “Wow, your breath is stinking, here have some Tic Tacs and we’ll try that again”.
The US and the Russians really aren’t the best of mates but the US authorities have been quite straight with their warnings. For a laugh they could have told the Russians that gay people are explosive. But they didn’t, probably because they might have used that fact to justify their anti gay laws. Of course the Russians have had to relax the laws in Sochi for the games because what would a winter Olympics be without figure skating, which President Putting loves to watch while topless with one eye on the TV and the other eye watching himself flex his muscles in a full length mirror. Make of that what you will. In protest as Russia’s anti gay laws the German team’s uniform is rainbow coloured. How bad must the Russians be if Germans think they are a bit discriminatory?
There is a way round the toothpaste thing as all the security officials have to do is check the teeth of anyone carrying toothpaste. If they have bad or discoloured teeth there is no way that they’ll will have used the Rembrandt Plus Toothwhitening Formula they have in their bag. Plus there will be the awkward question of “Right mate, you’ve got a tube of toothpaste, but where’s your toothbrush?”.
Toothpaste though, if they’d tried it with a small 500ml bottle of L’Oreal Big Mad Fundamentalist Beard Conditioner they might have got away with it. They could explain the conditioner by claiming “Because I’m worth it” adding “And I want my beard to look luxurious when I meet my 72 virgins”.
That’s another thing. If you were nuts enough to actually believe that you’ll get 72 virgins, wouldn’t you want to see them first. After all there could be a reason that they are virgins. They could all look like Susan Boyle.
Then it’s case of “I can’t believe I wasted £1.99 on a tube of toothpaste”
NOT SO FANTASTIC PLASTIC.
The Daily Mirror today featured
pictures of Sly Stallones 92 year old mother as a warning to anyone who is
contemplating cosmetic surgery. She is 92 though so I’m guessing she really
wouldn’t have looked any different if she hadn’t had any plastic surgery. Yes
but there’s plastic surgery and there’s plastic surgery. It can enhance some
peoples looks, obviously not in Mrs Sly’s case, but it’s when people take it
too far and they end up looking like their face has melted, then it’s a problem.
At least I suppose Mrs Sly still has a face. If Michael Jackson had reached 92
there would just be a big hole where his face used to be. On the subject of
disfiguring yourself.
The law
states that giving a tattoo to anyone under the age of 18 is illegal under the
1969 Tattooing on Minors Act. The police in Wales are investigating a complaint
against a tattoo artist after he gave a 16 year old a tattoo across her
backside that read “100% Welsh Lamb”.
The
Mother is furious, as are Welsh Sheep farmers. The latter’s anger is because
the tattoo suggests that their lamb chops taste like bums.
People
like David Beckham have a lot to answer for. How many tattoos can a man have
without looking weird? The answer is none. Luckily for him he’ll have the money
to have his tattoos removed before he’s a pensioner. Those who don’t have the
money and have emulated Beckham are going to look pretty silly standing in the
Post Office queue in their 70’s with arms and a neck full of wrinkly faded ink.
People
will tattoos are a bit scary. For instance they can bang into people in pubs
and knock drinks over without any repercussions. The reason being that people
take one look at them and think “I’m not saying a word, if he’s willing to do
that to himself, what the hell would he do to me if I remonstrate with him”.
Do
people think of the consequences of a tattoo? Some do.
There
was a case of a man who went to a tattoo artist and told him “I want the Union
Jack tattooed around my neck, on one cheek I want the St George’s Cross, on the
other cheek I want a tattoo of the Queen, down my nose I want the numbers 1966
to signify when England won the World Cup, on my top lip I want the words I
Love and on my chin I want the word Mum”
The tattoo
artist asked him “What about your forehead” and he said “Well I was thinking of
having that tattooed with a tattoo of England World Cup Winners 2014, but
I wouldn’t want to get a tattoo that I might regret in later life”
CROW
After causing travel misery for London commuters with the strike over the closure of ticket offices Bob Crow admitted that he never uses ticket offices. He doesn’t have to because he goes everywhere in a union funded luxury limo.
I wouldn’t want to get a tattoo that I might regret in later life”
CROW
After causing travel misery for London commuters with the strike over the closure of ticket offices Bob Crow admitted that he never uses ticket offices. He doesn’t have to because he goes everywhere in a union funded luxury limo.
Closing the ticket offices means
the loss of 950 jobs. That’s Crow’s argument, which falls a bit flat when 1000
of his “members” have applied for voluntary redundancy. He’s even managed to be
militant about that and plans more strikes until TFL agrees to his demands to
give a payment to the 50 of his “members” as compensation for the
disappointment of not being made voluntarily redundant.
Crow just adores the limelight;
something he got used to in the 70’s when he was a “member” of the Rubettes. He
can’t give being in the limelight up, nor can he give up wearing his stupid
Rubettes bunnet.
