CHRISTIANS THE PERFECT FESTIVE TREAT FOR LIONS
A BBC news online headline read: Park Lions Get Festive
Treat. Now I know that Christians are persecuted a lot these days but feeding
some of them to the Lion is maybe a festive treat too far. It transpires it
wasn’t that at all. The lions at Blair Drummond Safari Park in Scotland were
given a Xmas tree with meat treats hanging from it. No doubt the lions were
disappointed because when they heard they were getting a festive treat they
assumed that the zoo’s staff would be chucking a gazelle and a couple of
wildebeest into their compound.
After all it’s hardly lion like behaviour to select meat
treats from a tree because hardly ever in the wild do lions come across trees
with meat hanging from them, and on the odd occasion that this may happen the
meat tree is almost never covered in tinsel with a fairy on the top.
There they are pacing about their compound desperate to use
their natural instincts to kill their dinner, and you can’t really kill a tree
unless you have an axe, and as lions don’t have opposable thumbs operating an
axe is out of the question.
Obviously a slow news day at the BBC when they are
basically reporting: Animals In Captivity Get Fed.
Still makes a pleasant change from the usual Boxing Day
news story: People Go To The Sales To Buy Stuff.
That story is always accompanied by made up figures, such
as “People will spend £6b at the sales today”.
How can they possibly know that?. They can’t, but stating
that with great authority sounds better that “People will spend some money at
the sales today, we have no idea how much, because how could we”.
Each sales news item featured an interview with a shopping
centre manager and they all said the same thing which was “We are delighted as
trade is up 3% on last year”.
Yet again, making stuff up. To know the actual percentage
trade was up they’d have to go round every store to ask them their takings. And
if they were willing to reveal that figure which they wouldn’t be the shopping
centre manager would then have to contact the shops head office, on Boxing Day,
to find out what last year’s figures were for comparison. But head office’s aren’t
open on Boxing Day, so.............every shopping centre manager is a liar
standing there lying to a BBC news camera crew.
And you shouldn’t tell lies at Xmas because everyone knows
that lies make the Baby Jesus cry.
Some people queued from 3.AM in the morning to be amongst
the first into Next for the Next Boxing Day sale. Apparently they all had their
eyes on the 50% off T shirts with a Get A Life motif.
The thing is, 50% off just an okay discount, it’s not a
standing in the freezing cold at 3 AM discount, especially when there are much
bigger discounts on line.
There were also queues at Debenhams stores for the
Debenhams sales. Doesn’t Debenhams always have some sort of sale or other on though?
Yes it does, there’s a BlueCross sale of something or other every week. So what
makes the Debenhams Boxing Day sale different from Debenhams other 364 sale
days every year? The difference is that for the Boxing Day sale the Debenhams
staff wear Santa hats. Debenhams are very much the sofa and couch stores of the
retail world. You show me a sofa and couch store that doesn’t have a January,
Spring, Easter, Summer, Autumn, Winter and Xmas sale on all round year and I’ll
show you..........no I can’t show you anything because the DFS’s etc ALWAYS have
a sale on.
BIEBER RETIRING?
For the second time in a week Justin Bieber has suggested
that he’s quitting music. This news came as a shock to most normal people who
had no idea he’d even started music. The Consumer King www.consumerkings.co.uk isn’t a
Belieber and neither was Anne Frank. The Consumer King is a Belathiest.
The singer, I say singer, but you know............. tweeted
“My beloved Beliebers I’m officially retiring”.
And the world rejoiced and there was peace and goodwill to
all men.
But then he tweeted “I’m here forever”.
Its thought that he was drunk when he made the first tweet,
maybe had one too many Warnink’s Advocaat Snowballs, well one anyway.
It was revealed that he was the most searched for person of
2013. By that’s it assumed that the searches were made on Google, and not
searched as every music lover hoped by teams of serial killers working in
tandem.
CALL THE GOVERNMENT?
Government departments have been told to stop using 0845
and 0870 numbers as calls to the Government that we already paid for through our
taxes cost the public £12m in phone calls.
According to the Public Accounts Committee lower paid
people who use pay as you go mobile were hit the hardest by the charges and for
a Government which claims to be doing all it can to help the poor has to stop
stiffing the people it claims to help by charging them to contact Government
services.
Research has found that the average call to child tax credits
takes 17 minutes. 15 minutes of menu choices, a further minute of Mozart and
one minute of talk time with a member of staff who explains “We cut your tax
credits because we basically haven’t really got a clue how these things work”.
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