NIKE FLYKNITS AND NIKE SNOTTERHANKIES, AND MCSHANE FRENCH BEFORE PRISON?

McSHAME

The disgraced Labour ex minister Denis McShane said “quell surprise” as he was sentenced to 6 months in jail for fiddling £13k in expenses.

It’s a French phrase and the BBC News helpfully pointed out that it means in English “what a surprise”. We all knew what quell means, but it was the French for surprise that we were all having trouble with.

French is regarded as the language of love and romance. Therefore was it really that smart for McShane to reveal that he speaks the language of love and romance when he was heading for prison. There are people in there who would literally kill for a bit of love and romance. So in couple of days once McShane has been fought over it’ll be no “quell surprise” that he’ll be someone’s French speaking prison wife and going by the name Denise or someone’s ooh la la prison husband and going by the name Big Den, or Gros Den as it is in French.

All I’m saying is than in honest political circles his name is Mud. That’s obviously a very small circle. And talking of Mud, with that sexy French accent of his he definitely won’t be “Lonely This Xmas”.

In fact Louise Spence find Denis’s French so sexy that he’s been into Liberties with a black bin bag filling it with shoplifted items in the hope of a being Denis’s cellmate. If Louis’s plan works, McShane will be serving the longest 6 month sentence that anyone has ever served. It’ll be so bad it’ll be bordering on a cruel and unusual punishment. Well there’s only so much dancing and mincing about that anyone can take. If you don’t believe me just ask the great British public who are now heartily sick of Mr Spence’s one trick pony act.

SOCKS APPEAL?

The Daily Mail reported that a glorified sock has seen Nike’s net income jump by 40% in the last three months. The sock in question is called the Nike Flyknit and it is indeed a sock with a rubber sports sole. The sock costs $160 and it’s being plugged as eco friendly, hence the price. Nike have realised the planet savers are generally speaking incredibly stupid people who’ll pay through the nose for anything that doesn’t in anyway hurt polar bears. You can sell them anything if you stick Eco in the title such as an Eco Humvee. Why is the Eco Humvee eco?, Because it emits .000006% less carbon monoxide than the regular Humvee. Does it?. Who knows because how can a .0000006% emission drop be measured in normal driving conditions.  The cost of a normal sock is what?. If you get your socks in Harrods perhaps £10 to £15, and if you get your socks from a street trader they are three pairs for a £1. So basically the worst case scenario is that you are paying ( at the current exchange rate of $160 equalling £97) £96.66 to have a bit of rubber glued into your socks.

Great marketing from Nike though because they’ve discovered how to get rid of tons of knitwear that wasn’t selling. They turned the knitwear into socks. Yes, great. But like who is ever grateful, truly grateful when they get a pair of socks for Xmas, no one. Socks are an even worse gift that hankies, and if you’ll be having a terrible Xmas if you receive both.

There seems to be some sort of unwritten rule whereby when you are a man who has turned 22 everyone decides that socks and hankies are the ideal gift for you. That’s why Xmas is rubbish if you are a male over that age. Now though Nike have alleviated the disappoint slightly and you may now be told

“here’s your customary Xmas socks gift, but these socks have a Nike twist........and in the other box there are also a pair of Nikes trainers, I say trainers but they are really hankies with a bit of rubber attached to them”

CURRENCY CON

The Financial Conduct Authority is to investigate manipulation of the currency markets. Manipulation is a euphemism for “fiddling”. Just something else the banks have been up to and to be honest everyone is losing track of their wrong doing. That could be their plan though and the banks realised that  committing one wrong doing would be bad, but committing hundreds of wrong doings would leave the FCA so confused that they wouldn’t know where to start, so they wouldn’t.

So can anyone who works for any financial institution be trusted. Well we can trust them just as much as they trust us, and they don’t trust us at all. Why do you think that banks have the pens at the counters on metal chains? It’s because they think we’ll steal them, and we do if we do our banking in banks with a bolt cutter.

How do you get to be a serious currency trader anyway?. It’s not that easy because the banks have to know that you are serious about currency trading. To find this out they have a test at the interview. They tell you that the Vietnamese currency is called the Dong and if you snigger they don’t give you a job in their trading department. If you don’t snigger they give you one more test which is; “And I happen to have a dong in my pocket would you like to see it”. That obviously only works with male applicants because saying something like that to a female applicant would result in a sexual harassment lawsuit.

But you pass the two Dongs test it shows them that you serious about a career in currency trading, so serious that you know that currency, even currency with a funny trouser furniture name is ripe for fiddling.