BIG BREASTS XMAS TURKEY, AND MOBILES IN THE AIR

PETA

The animal rights group Peta claim Xmas turkeys are being bred to have such large breasts that they are dying from heart attacks.  A spokesman for Bernard Mathews said “Well, given the choice I think I’d rather die from a heart attack than die from being hung upside down, electrocuted and decapitated”

MOBILES

Airlines are reconsidering the ban on mobile phone use. Easyjet say that come March they will allow passengers to make calls whilst airborne, but as they don’t want fellow passengers annoyed they’ll insist that anyone making a call steps outside to do so. It’s not thought that Ryanair will follow suit and allow passengers to use their own phones as Michael O’Leary has just had all this aircrafts toilets removed and replaced with phone boxes. That’s his latest money sucking scheme. 

Even when one of his aircraft is in trouble the pilot will have to pay a £1 to call 999 to alert the airport fire crews to prepare for a crash landing.

SCOTLANDS “WHITE PAPER”

The Scottish Government launched its 650 page White Paper on Scottish independence.  The book because it is a book, a very big book serves two functions. The first being listing all the things that Scotland will do if the Scots vote yes, and the other function involves the fact that the White Paper is produced using camomile infused soft but very strong paper, courtesy of Andrex. Alex Salmond would have gone the whole hog and printed his White Paper on lovely fluffy Labrador puppies but they tend to be a bit wriggly and hard to read.

Scotland’s first minister still insists he will be keeping the pound. His whole argument being “Scotland will keep using the £1 because I say it will”.

It is thought that there will be a no vote because 70% of those who plan to vote no quite like getting free prescriptions, free education and £738 spent on them per head when people in England, Wales and Ireland have 70p spent on them per head.

The SNP’s generous spending promises are all based on oil. This is despite experts in the oil industry stating categorically that it’s running out.

Not true according to Scotland’s First Minister who said that research that he’s made up proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Scotland has plenty of oil. Yes, but most of it is in the deep fryers in Scotland’s thousands and thousands of chip shops.

Not true again claims Mr Salmond. He told a press conference “Think of the biggest number in the world, double it, and that’s a just tiny amount of the oil Scotland has got left in the North Sea”.

It was noted that his Deputy Nicola Sturgeon had dolled herself for the occasion. Jacket by Zara, skirt by Karen Millen, shoes by Russell and Bromley and make up by Homebase’s household paints aisle.