FRANCOIS HOLLANDE AND NPOWER GET THE MOST COMPLAINTS, PPI CLAIMS

OOH LA LA

Francois Hollande is furious that his “privacy” was invaded by Closer magazine revealing that he was visiting his mistress Julie Guyet on the back of a motorbike. He was quizzed at a press conference and answered a question saying “It gets about six women to the gallon”. The journalist who asked the question was actually referring to bike’s mileage in petrol economy terms. And what about his poor First Lady Valerie Trierweller being rushed to the Ryan Giggs Wing of her local hospital after the news of Mr Hollande’s affair broke. It’s euphemistically being said that Valerie is being treated with exhaustion. That could be true because having your stomach pumped can be tiring. Miss Trierweller isn’t even sure if she still is the First Lady, given what Frenchmen are like she could be the Sixth or Seventh Lady for all she knows. The French opposition made the point that the Hollande wasn’t using adequate protection. I think their argument there is that the last thing France needs are lots of little Francois juniors running around. Although I might have the wrong end of the stick here, and by protection they actually talking about security and not the rhythm method.

Only in France though because could you imagine a British Prime Minister visiting mistresses on a bike. Not Gordon Brown anyway. Given how socially awkward he is he doesn’t know any other women other than his wife Sarah, who he married because she’s the only woman he’s ever talked to ever.

The French aren’t too bothered by Mr Hollande’s affair or affairs because apparently it’s de rigueur in France. Many things are de rigueur in France which is probably why ménage a’ trios is a French phrase. Another reason why the French aren’t particularly bothered is because his approval rating is only 20%, so they think he’s not to be trusted anyway. So Francois proving that he can’t be trusted hasn’t come as much of a shock to them.

Hollande said he was “totally indignant”, in a French accent obviously. Probably because Closer published a photograph of him wearing a helmet and that wasn’t a good look for him. He didn’t help himself with the press, well the British press anyway, when he stated that he wanted his privacy respected, but preceded that statement with a “Listen, I will say this only once”.

Hollande was asked if Valerie was still the First Lady and he replied that he’d answer that question on February which he will have to do because he and Valerie are due to fly to the USA to meet Barack and Michelle Obama.

After all he can’t take both Julie and Valerie with him can he because that might be just make it a bit difficult for the Obama’s, especially when it comes to organising the sleeping arrangements in the White House.

Miss Trierweller announced from her hospital bed that she was ready to forgive Francois. Really?, seems God loves a Trier, but does Francois.  I suppose she has to because it’s not as if she didn’t know what he was like. He left his previous amour for Valerie so you could say that he has previous for that kind of thing.

DON'T MENTION THE NPOWER

It has been revealed that Npower are officially Britain’s worst energy supplier. The German owned giant saw complaints against them rise by 25%. That’s eight times more complaints than the best performing energy company SSE. Npower has a particular problem with billing, which is to say that they seem just to make them up. I’m sorry I’ll rephrase that, the new computer system that they’ve just had installed makes the bills up. Npower also announced the highest price hikes so they just aren’t very nice people, and to top it all off Npower announced that hundreds or jobs are being transferred from the UK to Indian call centres and the jobs of thousands of call centre staff who will be left in the UK are being transferred to a third party companies. Companies no doubt run by gang masters.

How can someone in a call centre in India understand an Npower customer’s compliant that thanks to Npower’s inaccurate over charging they can no longer afford to turn on their heating so they and their family are freezing? This will just confuse the Indian call centre member of staff who’s sitting there in Mumbai in 95 degree heat having absolutely no idea what “freezing” means. Still it was probably never a good idea to let a German company grab a share in the UK power market, because really, what experience do the Germans have in lighting up cities in Britain? As it turns out they do have experience in lighting up British cities. Just ask London, Coventry, Portsmouth and Clydebank.

So who are the worst? Npower or the Luftwaffe. It’s probably about even.

MARKS AND SPENCERS SALES DROP AND CCP PAYOUTS ON THE WAY.

SALES DROP.

Marks and Spencers sales for the three month Xmas period fell by 2.1%. I’m just guessing but the 2.1% fall could be down to M&S selling 2.1% less pork and alcohol because the company’s Muslim staff refused to sell it. Alternatively the drop might just be because M&S just aren’t that good anymore. In the past when it came to their clothing middle class women called Fiona only ever bought M&S. That’s all changed and their female clothing ranges have come in for much criticism for being too frumpy and only ever purchased by women who want to look 30 years older than they are, which is no woman at all. Their mans range is even worse and that comprises of two things, baggy sand coloured chinos and stripey polo tops, which is fine if you want to look like a banker who dresses casually at the weekends. But who does? Just bankers, complete bankers.

THE ENTIRE M&S GENTS RANGE

M&S also haven’t really embraced online shopping or as their CEO calls it “That new fangled interweb net thing”. They have tried but their online service isn’t that good. I’ve tried ordering the occasional thing only to receive an email telling me that what they said they had in stock they don’t and therefore they are apologising for the inconvenience and cancelling my order. This is despite going back onto their website in which they are still saying they have thousands of in stock.  They do offer the occasional bargain online but on closer inspection the bargains are in ridiculous sizes such as jeans 36 waist 24 inch inside leg or shirts with a 27 ½ inch collar. I’m sure that’s great if you happen to have a 36 waist with a 24 inside leg and you need a pair of jeans to wear on your day off from the circus freak show, but other than that............

The biggest run up to the festive period loser was Morrison’s whose like for like sales fell by 5.6%. Out of all the supermarkets they have the smallest online presence. That accounts for part of their fall in sales but it’s mostly down to using Ant and Dec in their adverts because people look at Ant and Dec and think “I can’t believe a word they say because they ripped people off with their dodgy TV show phone lines”.

So when they say “Morrison’s Xmas pudding is lovely” we all think “Is it Ant and Dec, is it really?”.

Just as a footnote, Ant has got Dec insured and if Dec dies Ant will be better off, and Dec has Ant insured and if Ant dies Dec will be better off. But what if they both die. Then we’ll all be better off.

Not quite sure why Morrison’s hasn’t gone big on online shopping because they surely must have seen the Tesco, Asda and Sainsbury’s delivery vans driving about full of produce that customers have bought online. Online sales that add up to millions. Perhaps Morrison’s just aren’t that computer savvy and when they hear that everyone seems to have tablets nowadays they think that this means that people are unwell and are buying lots of aspirin and co-codamol.

Both aspirin and co-codamol are good for headaches, especially the headaches Morrison’s have given themselves with a 5.6% drop in sales.

GOOD TO KNOW.

Pay-outs to seven million people who were mis-sold insurance for their bank and credit cards can now go ahead, following a vote in London.

Customers were asked to approve the proposed compensation scheme, and 98% voted in favour.

The insurance was mis-sold by York-based CPP, which operated through 13 High Street banks and card companies.

Pay-outs are now expected to go ahead later in the spring, although approval is still needed from the High Court.

Policyholders should receive between £100 and £300 each, depending on how long they maintained their policies.

Customers were persuaded to part with £30 a year to insure their bank or credit cards, or £80 for a wider identity protection policy.

But in most cases they did not need such policies, because they were already protected by their bank or card issuer.

In some instances, those who phoned an activation number stuck on new bank cards were directed straight to a CPP salesperson.

As a result, CPP was fined £10.5m in November 2012 by the then Financial Services Authority.

The insurance company has now set aside £65.8m to pay for compensation claims. Others will be paid by the bank or card issuer

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-23791252

FOR MORE INFO CHECK OUT

www.consumerkings.co.uk

WEDGIE.

The Daily Mail reported that an ex US Marine killed his step father by giving him an Atomic wedgie. In other words he killed his step father by pulling his underpants over his head. Ex Marine Brad Davis now faces a murder charge after the death was ruled a homicide. Jeremy Paxman who complained recently about the quality of elastic M&S use in their underwear has been in touch with Brad to find out where his step father bought his pants because as Jeremy says “That’s my kind of elastic”

ACCIDENT

THE HONEY BOO BOO FAMILY

The stars of the US reality show Here Comes Honey Boo Boo have been involved in a minor road accident. Evidently they were driving their home along the road when they collided with another vehicle.

BARGAINS.

WAS £110 NOW £20

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WAS £155 NOW £20

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