THE ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND £3.1b ADDED TO THE CON POT

£3.1b

The Royal Bank of Scotland has put aside another load of money to compensate for all the stuff they’ve been up to. This time it’s a £3.1b cash pot to cover fines and compensation for PPI(www.consumerkings.co.uk) mortgage mis-selling, interest rate hedging products, throwing bricks through its customers windows, forcing those in overdraft to work in an RBS sweatshop making Sir Fred Goodwin is Great T shirts, mugs, baseball caps and car stickers and making every RBS customer buy expensive special RBS insurance which covered them against alien abduction, being trampled in any stampede of people rushing to see Jesus at his second coming and burglary. 

HOUSEBREAKERS

But the burglaries were only covered if homes were burgled by the house breaking team of Elvis and the Loch Ness monster.

It has to be asked though, were they running a bank or running a racket. Even the Mafia said “Wow,they make us look like a of amatuers”.

Was there anything regarding money that they weren’t up to?. Apparently not. Fixing interest rates, manipulating the foreign currency market and running the Romanian pick pocketing gangs that blight London. You name it, they did it.

RBS has announced an £8b loss. This is because 3D printing is very, very expensive and the cost of every member of RBS staff 3D printing their bottoms at the RBS Xmas parties has added up to £8b. The Bank could have saved 99.9% of that total if their staff had just photocopied their backsides at Xmas parties like normal people do.

In an interview with the BBC the RBS CEO Ross McEwan explained to Robert Peston why most senior executives would not be receiving bonuses this year. He took Robert Peston to the window of his office and pointed to a large group of people standing with pitchforks and burning torches in the RBS car park.

In 2008 RBS was bailed out to the tune of £46b and is now 80% owned by the taxpayer and Ross admits that it is highly unlikely that the money will ever be repaid. He did say though that any taxpayer who feels aggrieved by the never, ever repayment can pop into any branch of RBS and help themselves to a Sir Fred Goodwin is Great T shirt, mug, baseball cap or car sticker. You have to feel a bit sorry for Ross McEwan though because he has one of the worst jobs in the world. It’s up there with Gordon Brown’s smiling coach, Dave Lee Travis’s agent and the manager of the book shop in Leeds that only sells Jimmy Saville autobiography.

However some RBS are looking at 200% of their annual salary bonuses. Only payable to members of RBS staff who weren’t involved in any shenanigans. Now 200% may sound excessive but collectively if it is paid at all won’t actually add up to very much. Basically two cleaners at RBS will be entitled to it, and they are due it because they keep RBS’s Edinburgh HQ spotless.