THE SOCHI OLYMPICS AND TOOTHPASTE, AND LLOYDS PPI CLAIMS

THE PPI MISSELLING POT 

More than £2bn was wiped from the value of Lloyd’s shares yesterday as investors baulked at another huge provision for PPI mis-selling and the delay of dividend payments.

In a pre-emptive move ahead of its full-year results next week, the state-backed lender said it expected to post a £6.2bn profit for 2013, before the write-offs.

But it also revealed it has been forced to set aside another £1.8bn to compensate customers mis-sold payment protection insurance.

The huge PPI provision, which takes Lloyds’ total bill so far to £9.8bn, is far bigger than had been predicted.

The bank, which also revealed it had set aside another £130m for mis-selling complex interest rate swaps to small firms, could give no assurances that this provision would be its last.

PPI claim back at http://www.consumerkings.co.uk/#!how-to-claim-ppi/c1xo4



Source; The Daily Mail.



Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/money/markets/article-2551077/Lloyds-shares-dive-investors-baulk-PPI-provision.html#ixzz2sX4Yz4Tv

TOOTHPASTE?

The US has warned the Russians that terrorists could sneak explosives inside toothpaste tubes on to flights bound for the winter games. The terrorists were apparently going to try hiding explosives inside shaving foam containers but standing there at airport security with a big mad fundamentalist beard WITH a small can of shaving foam would have been a bit of a giveaway. Generally speaking terrorists are pretty stupid people because only a ridiculous moron would believe that killing themselves in a bombing leads to getting 72 virgins in heaven, but even terrorists aren’t stupid enough to think that a security officer won’t notice that can of shaving foam is superfluous to needs for a big mad bearded fundamentalist lunatic.

Their latest “we hate everyone who isn’t us” means that toothpaste will be added to the long list of items you aren’t allowed to take on an aircraft. This will indeed lead to problems, especially for long haul passengers. There they’ll be arriving in Australia for instance and meeting relatives they haven’t seen in ages at the arrival hall. And when they go to greet their relatives with a big kiss they’ll be told “Wow, your breath is stinking, here have some Tic Tacs and we’ll try that again”.

The US and the Russians really aren’t the best of mates but the US authorities have been quite straight with their warnings. For a laugh they could have told the Russians that gay people are explosive. But they didn’t, probably because they might have used that fact to justify their anti gay laws. Of course the Russians have had to relax the laws in Sochi for the games because what would a winter Olympics be without figure skating, which President Putting loves to watch while topless with one eye on the TV and the other eye watching himself flex his muscles in a full length mirror. Make of that what you will. In protest as Russia’s anti gay laws the German team’s uniform is rainbow coloured. How bad must the Russians be if Germans think they are a bit discriminatory?

There is a way round the toothpaste thing as all the security officials have to do is check the teeth of anyone carrying toothpaste. If they have bad or discoloured teeth there is no way that they’ll will have used the Rembrandt Plus Toothwhitening Formula they have in their bag. Plus there will be the awkward question of “Right mate, you’ve got a tube of toothpaste, but where’s your toothbrush?”.

Toothpaste though, if they’d tried it with a small 500ml bottle of L’Oreal Big Mad Fundamentalist Beard Conditioner they might have got away with it. They could explain the conditioner by claiming “Because I’m worth it” adding “And I want my beard to look luxurious when I meet my 72 virgins”.

That’s another thing. If you were nuts enough to actually believe that you’ll get 72 virgins, wouldn’t you want to see them first. After all there could be a reason that they are virgins. They could all look like Susan Boyle.

Then it’s case of “I can’t believe I wasted £1.99 on a tube of toothpaste”

          NOT SO FANTASTIC PLASTIC.

The Daily Mirror today featured pictures of Sly Stallones 92 year old mother as a warning to anyone who is contemplating cosmetic surgery. She is 92 though so I’m guessing she really wouldn’t have looked any different if she hadn’t had any plastic surgery. Yes but there’s plastic surgery and there’s plastic surgery. It can enhance some peoples looks, obviously not in Mrs Sly’s case, but it’s when people take it too far and they end up looking like their face has melted, then it’s a problem. At least I suppose Mrs Sly still has a face. If Michael Jackson had reached 92 there would just be a big hole where his face used to be. On the subject of disfiguring yourself.

The law states that giving a tattoo to anyone under the age of 18 is illegal under the 1969 Tattooing on Minors Act. The police in Wales are investigating a complaint against a tattoo artist after he gave a 16 year old a tattoo across her backside that read “100% Welsh Lamb”.

The Mother is furious, as are Welsh Sheep farmers. The latter’s anger is because the tattoo suggests that their lamb chops taste like bums.

People like David Beckham have a lot to answer for. How many tattoos can a man have without looking weird? The answer is none. Luckily for him he’ll have the money to have his tattoos removed before he’s a pensioner. Those who don’t have the money and have emulated Beckham are going to look pretty silly standing in the Post Office queue in their 70’s with arms and a neck full of wrinkly faded ink.

People will tattoos are a bit scary. For instance they can bang into people in pubs and knock drinks over without any repercussions. The reason being that people take one look at them and think “I’m not saying a word, if he’s willing to do that to himself, what the hell would he do to me if I remonstrate with him”.

Do people think of the consequences of a tattoo? Some do.

There was a case of a man who went to a tattoo artist and told him “I want the Union Jack tattooed around my neck, on one cheek I want the St George’s Cross, on the other cheek I want a tattoo of the Queen, down my nose I want the numbers 1966 to signify when England won the World Cup, on my top lip I want the words I Love and on my chin I want the word Mum”

The tattoo artist asked him “What about your forehead” and he said “Well I was thinking of having that tattooed with a tattoo of England World Cup Winners 2014, but

I wouldn’t want to get a tattoo that I might regret in later life”



CROW

After causing travel misery for London commuters with the strike over the closure of ticket offices Bob Crow admitted that he never uses ticket offices. He doesn’t have to because he goes everywhere in a union funded luxury limo.

Closing the ticket offices means the loss of 950 jobs. That’s Crow’s argument, which falls a bit flat when 1000 of his “members” have applied for voluntary redundancy. He’s even managed to be militant about that and plans more strikes until TFL agrees to his demands to give a payment to the 50 of his “members” as compensation for the disappointment of not being made voluntarily redundant.

Crow just adores the limelight; something he got used to in the 70’s when he was a “member” of the Rubettes. He can’t give being in the limelight up, nor can he give up wearing his stupid Rubettes bunnet.

BT RIP OFF 118 500, AND THE BERCOWS MARRIAGE IN TROUBLE?

118 500 BT RIP OFF

BT has been ordered to refund thousands of customers for totally overcharging in a directory enquiries rip-off.

Callers were kept hanging on the line, completely oblivious to the fact that it was costing them £2.39 a minute.

Many of the victims are elderly or vulnerable. One customer ran up an £81 bill, while another seems to have been charged £454 in three months.

BT, which failed to make its charges clear to callers kept waiting on its 118 500 number, was also fined £225,000 by the premium rate number watchdog PhonepayPlus. It imposed the fine and ordered the refunds after a tribunal ruled BT's failures were 'very serious'.

A bigger question is: why does BT charge at all. After all once they have given you the number you will be calling it and incurring a charge for the call, therefore BT are basically double charging. It’s the equivalent of being in a restaurant and being charged £2.39 a minute to look at the menu of food that you are going to BUY.

Prior to 2003 when directory inquiries was opened up to competition the flat rate for a call to 192 was 40p. Still a rip off, but the cost has spiraled since then and it’s now 59p just to connect and £2.39 a minute thereafter. So the cost of the inquiry can all depend on how much of a half wit the operator on the end of the phone is. If they tell you the number incredibly slowly because they are a bit slow witted you could be out a lot of money.

As for fining BT a mere £225.000?. They must have found it difficult keeping a straight face when they were writing that cheque. A BT spokesman said “We make millions from 118 500 so in terms of getting off lightly, we thought we’d get fined an Eric Pickles but we only got fined a Victoria Beckham”

BT said it never intended to rip off customers, but what BT really meant to say was that they never intended to get CAUGHT ripping off customers. BT also said they never intended to annoy customers with their annoying 118 500 featuring two annoying moustachioed morons.

The Advertising Standards Authority are now contemplating banning the ads on the grounds that thousands of TV’s  across the UK are being smashed by viewers trying to punch the 118 500 actors in the face through the screen.

BT said it had never intended to rip-off customers and accepted that it should have made the call cost clearer on its phone books. However, it denied other breaches of the industry code of practice.

A spokesman said: 'BT apologises for the breaches, which were due to oversights and different interpretations of the code rather than any attempt to mislead customers.

'We accept that we did not comply fully with the requirement to publish pricing information for 118 500 on the cover of The Phone Book. We have revised our processes.

That contrition from BT would have sounded a lot more genuine if they had not added “And here’s another joke, three nuns walk into a bar…………..”

BERCOW.

Sally Bercow the wife of the speaker of the House John Bercow has denied her marriage is in trouble after she was spotted kissing an unknown man in a nightclub. Mrs Bercow said that she just wanted to see what a kiss that she didn’t have to bend down to deliver was like.

The Sun reported “'They were snogging each other with tongues and couldn't take their hands off each other. It lasted at least two minutes.'
A normal kiss with her husband lasts 2 seconds because any longer than that leaves her with a crick in her neck and severe spine pain.
Apparently she also joked with fellow revelers about being a “Z list celebrity”. She’s only Z list because there are no letters that come after Z, if there were she’d been about the 90^th letter in the alphabet that came after Z.

Being the Media Tart that she is she has revealed in print the details of her and her husband’s sex life, or maybe that should be sex lives because in her case perhaps her sex life doesn’t always involve her husband.
He was furious when she told the world that he and John like to make love standing up. Now given their height differences that might sound like a physical impossibility. But it’s not, apparently he puts a bucket over her head and swings on the handle.
You have to feel a bit sorry for Bercow though because there he is in the House shouting “Order, order” and trying to be taken seriously, and there’s over 600 MP’s looking at him and thinking “That poor, poor wee man, imagine being married to her”.


The Mayor of Sochi said there are no gay people in Sochi at all. He also said “Therefore the Sochi games will have the worst opening ceremony ever”.

Meanwhile over the Environment Agency Lord Smith has explained that they are doing a great job. He said “Last year the people of Somerset were complaining about drought conditions, well we’ve sorted that out for them haven’t we”

LORD SMITH

Buckingham Palace announced that the Queen and Prince Philip will be visiting Rome and having an audience with the Pope. It’s thought that the Queen and the Pope will discuss religious harmony, with Philip butting in that any religious disharmony is the Pope’s fault anyway because one of his predecessors wouldn’t give Henry the 8^th a divorce from Catherine of Aragon.