THE AUTUMN STATEMENT, BALLS BALLS IT UP.

A LOAD OF ABSOLUTE BALLS

In replying to Chancellor George Osborne’s Autumn Statement Labour MP’s are all agreed that Ed Balls gave the worst performance seen in the House for decades. His performance was even worse than Chamberlains “I’m just back from meeting Adolf Hitler and he’s a lovely man, so we’ll be fine”.

Red faced and shoutie the useless Balls refused to acknowledge the UK’s rising growth and continued to focus on the cost of living problem. Something, that he knows nothing about because his household has two MP’s wages, plus two MP’s expenses coming in. Having said that he does know the cost of shaving foam because he goes through gallons of the stuff daily thanks to having such a giant fat face. That is balanced out family budget wise because he doesn’t need very much shampoo because his hair is far too small for his head. And sadly for him, his hair looks like an ill-fitting wig even though it isn’t.

Odd that his MP wife Yvette Cooper hasn’t taken his name. Probably because Yvette Balls and Missus Balls both sound respectively like a medical procedure for male dogs, and how the dog feels after the procedure. And, well………..how could the electorate take any politician with the surname Balls seriously. And taking his surname and broadcasting the fact that she married him would just highlight just how unsound her judgement is. And if her judgement is that unsound in her personal life how many bad choices would she make when given a position of responsibility in Government.

Despite the UK’s growth rising Balls stood up in the House and insisted that he was right, right, he’s always right to oppose austerity all along. But Labour MP’s are now questioning if they can get anywhere near to winning an election with an economic policy which is no more than Balls insisting that he’s right, he’s right, he’s always right, even when he’s wrong.

According to the Daily Mail the Chancellor branded Balls speech a “turkey” and went on to rib him about his decision to cancel his grade three piano exam because it clashed with the Autumn Statement. Eh?

MRS BALLS

Balls is learning to play the piano? I suppose he has to have something to fall back on when the electorate come to the realisation that he really doesn’t have a clue what he’s talking about and vote him out of office. He’ll end up annoying passengers in a cruise ships cocktail bar with his renditions of I Will Always Love You and Moon River. I say cruise ship, but I mean the Dover Ferry. He’ll probably play the piano like Les Dawson. Yes, but Les Dawson could play the piano, and only played it badly as a joke. Balls will just play it badly. Much in the same way that his speech was the political equivalent of Les Dawson’s bad piano playing, except that Balls didn’t mean to be so bad. Still it’ll be interesting to see if can still look as smug and be as arrogant when’s be playing piano with one hand whilst holding the pint of a passenger whose popped to the toilet in the other.

One Labour MP said “He f***** it up, I was watching it thinking we are f*****” .  Watching, watching it on the telly, you’d have thought wife would have been there in person to support him.

So what was Ed Miliband doing while all this was going on? He was pointing at Balls and mouthing “I’m not with him”, especially when Balls criticised Osborne’s announcement that primary one and two kids in England and Wales will be getting free school meals. Balls said “That will make them fat and the Tories are completely ignoring the obesity problem, shame on them, shame on them”. 

The big question everyone is asking: can Labour seriously think they have any chance of winning the election when victory would see Ed Balls as Chancellor of the Exchequer. No one yet answered, but they will when they’ve managed to stop laughing at the very idea of it.

ARMS.

And more from Nigella Lawson in court.

In extraordinary scenes she was forced to deny that she kept cocaine in a hollowed out Delia Smith cookbook, that she associated with drug dealers, and that she had frequently been seen with a runny nose and white powder on her face.

On the latter, perhaps she has a lot of colds and never seems to have a glass of water with her when she takes an Askit powder.

. Nigella was asked if she had a drug problem and she replied “You know as well as I do that regular cocaine users don’t look like this “. She held up her arms to show that they WEREN’T scrawny, and said “They’re scrawny and look unhealthy”.

I’m not sure that’s strictly true. Pretty sure millionaire cocaine users don’t have the same look as non-millionaire cocaine users because non-millionaires can’t afford to get themselves a tan on a beach on the Caribbean any time they fancy, and they can’t afford to get lovely nutritious meals delivered daily in big Waitrose hampers. Therefore Nigella’s statement really doesn’t bare close scrutiny.  Somehow don’t think that athletes at the Olympics will ever be dope tested using the Nigella System.

NIGELLA LAWSON ADMITS USING COCAINE, AND RETIREMENT AGE SET TO RISE

LORD BHATIA

BBC’s Newsnight revealed that peer Lord Bhatia has been accused by a charity of misappropriating £625.000 of it’s funds. Lord Bhatia is accused of funding his own lifestyle using money belonging to the EMF, the Ethnic Minority Foundation. But as Lord Bhatia explained “As a member of an ethnic minority I am allowed to help myself to the cash”.

Bhatia has previous and was suspended from the Lords in 2010 after wrongly claiming thousands of pounds in allowance. The wrongly claiming being that you are not allowed to claim for things that you’ve made up.

Bhatia’s lawyers  claim that Newsnight has got it wrong and the charity misled the BBC and the charity actually owes Lord Bhatia £250.000.

The Lord forensic lawyers were asked to explain how a charity could owe their client a quarter of a million pounds and they said “they just do, right”. They were asked to further explain the facts and the figures and they said “Is that the time, sorry we need to go”.

Fellow peer Lord Oakeshot stated “to be accused of milking a charity for £625.000  is breath-taking” adding “he should be immediately suspended from the Lords for about a week”.

Peers do tend to stick together.

Bhatia said he loaned the charity £250k, which he had to because they were about to go bust because £625.000  was somehow missing from their bank account.

So who should we believe here? A charity or a Lord who in 2009 and 2010 was claiming chauffeur driven mileage expenses from the charity and claiming the same chauffeur driven mileage expenses from the public purse. In effect he was double claiming, that was one issue, the other was the number of miles. Bhatia said the miles he claimed were genuine as his office was 76,000 miles away on Mars.

When he returned from suspension in 2011 and 2012 he didn’t claim any Lords expenses. I’m guessing that he was waiting for the dust to settle before handing in his 2011 and 2102 claims forms in at the one time.

AUTUMN STATEMENT

In his autumn statement George Osborne is expected to announce a rise in pension going up from 65 to 68. This is bad news for Channel 4 because they’ll be losing a fair percentage of their Countdown audience. It’s good news for B&Q however because they’ll have a much larger pool to choose all their staff from. It is great that B&Q employ older staff because it shows they aren’t ageist. Although they should maybe have a more stringent interview policy because research has found that 15% of B&Q customers have been approached by older B&Q staff and asked the questions “Do I live here” or “Hey what are you doing in my living room”.

Another measures is the scrapping of vehicle excise duty - (which was renamed vehicle excise duty to stop people complaining that they paid their road tax yet their car had just disappeared down an enormous pot hole)- and replacing it with an electronic vehicle excise duty system. A system that we all know won’t work and will end up being scrapped after the government has wasted upwards of £15b on it.

Osborne will be crowing over the economy’s .08% growth, but Labour says the government have done nothing to address the cost of living crisis facing many people and claim on a new poster that working people are £1600 worse off since the election. That could indeed be true, but it’s a bit rich or a bit poor coming from a group of politicians who left Britain’s national wealth as £5.89p and a £10 Argos voucher when they lost power. Many people wouldn’t have been £1600 worse off if Labour had not blew billions on replacing all the printers Gordon Brown broke when he threw at this staff when he was in a bad mood,which was always. Not forgetting the cost of replacing the mobile phones he threw too, and the millions he spent on smiling lessons and tooth whitener.

It was just a pity that the retirement age isn’t tailored to each individual. If that had been the case Gordon Brown would have been told as on the day he took over from Tony Blair “Sorry Gordon, that’s you 55, that’s your personal compulsory retirement age, so bye then” and even better,when Labour gained power in 1997 Ed Balls would have been told “your compulsory retirement age is 31, and everyone hates you anyway, so there’s your bus pass and your Countdown mug, now beat it”.

If that had been the case, how much of a bullet would the UK have dodged?. A very expensive one.

NIGELLA ADMITS IT

In court Nigella Lawson admitted taking cocaine although “Celebrity Admits Cocaine Use” isn’t really that much of a story, whereas “Celebrity Doesn’t Take Cocaine” would be. She made the admission at the trial of the Grillo sisters who are accused of spending £685,000 on Nigella’s ex-husband Charles Satchi’s company credit cards. The thing is, all the spending took place during a recession which leads me to believe that anyone who doesn’t notice that their credit card bills were £685.000 higher than normal shouldn’t be allowed to have any money.

Jurors were read an email from Mr Satchi to Miss Lawson in which he said the Grillo sisters would get off on the basis that she was so out of her head on drugs that she allowed them to “spend whatever they liked”. Now why can’t everyone have a boss like Nigella?. One that has £685.000 in the petty cash tin and doesn’t really bother with receipts that much.

The Grillo sisters are accused of using credit cards “loaned” to them by the celebrity couple. So why did Nigella and Charles loan them the cards if it wasn’t to buy things with them. Perhaps the Grillo sisters explained that they were always losing their keys and they needed the credit cards to gain access to properties by forcing a card in between the door and the lock. Despite what all the movies say that only works in the movies. Because it wouldn’t create much of a plot line if a Secret Agent had to call out a 24 hour lock smith to gain entry to house he was wanting to plant bugs in.

It also transpires that Satchi disliked credit cards so much that he kept a huge stash of cash in  a plastic bag on the fridge. The only thing most people have on the fridges are terrible painting done by kids attached with fridge magnets., or a post it note saying “We are out of eggs”. In the Satchi/Lawson household it was a big bag of cash and a post it note saying “We are out of cocaine”.

Miss Lawson was quizzed on the heavy outgoings of her former assistants Alice Binks, Anzelle Wasserman and Zoe Wales who were spending a monthly average of £6000, £8000 and £3000 on trips to Annabel’s Nightclub and on Christian Louboutin shoes.

Perhaps she should have been questioned why she needed three assistants because she can hardly be described as a “Domestic Goddess” if all the domestic stuff is carried out by staff.

It also begs the question, despite being married to a millionaire how much of our TV licence fee are the BBC paying her to do a bit of cooking using ingredients that only someone who lets her staff spend £17k a month without batting an eyelid can afford. Like who has ever made her truffle, pate foie gras and Abalone finger nibbles. No one, not even the Chef at the Sultan of Brunei’s palace. And no one ever will until Aldi’s and Lidls start selling such food items.

Yes and how much of our licence fees goes on the people the BBC pay to sit around here table eating what she’s made and kidding on that they are her friends. It’s sad day when the BBC have to buy your friends for you.

The trial continues.