THE QUEENS SPEECH AND BABY BORN IN A PETROL STATION

QUEENS SPEECH.

Good afternoon and happy Xmas. I’m sitting here with the great Buckingham Palace staircase in the background. Those are the actual stairs that Princess Di flung herself down. But luckily for Diana she landed on my sister Princess Margaret who was crawling up them at the time.

And hasn’t it been a good year for my United Kingdom.

Andy Murray won Wimbledon and Andy is a great friend of my son Charles, and many the hours they spend together wondering just how to get rid of their Mothers.

But in my defence, at least I give my son Charles some breathing space, unlike Andy and Judy’s relationship which in my opinion is perhaps a bit Norman Bates and his mother.

In 2013 came the sad news that Nelson Mandela had passed away, a man who spent 27 years in jail, a man who went from prison and into politics, which is the direct polar opposite how Denis McShanes career went.

President Barack Obama attended Mr Mandela’s memorial service in South Africa where he was joined by hundreds of other leaders from all around the world. This gave President Obama the chance to speak to the other leaders to find out face to face what they were thinking, instead of his usual way of getting the American security services to listen in on their phone calls.

And there was a new royal baby this year and he cries a lot, in fact I haven’t heard so much crying since the phone calls I received from my son Prince Edward when he was doing basic training with the Royal Marines.

There was also a new Pope elected this year, Pope Francis the First who seems a lot less preachy than his predecessor Benedict the Sixteenth.

Benedict said he felt that at 85 he was too old physically to go on. Meanwhile 87 year old Hugh Hefner married a 26 year old so one yet again has to ask the question. Does celibacy take a bigger toll than rampant hedonism?

The new Pope Francis is on Twitter, the Catholic Church said it wants to engage with young people, in a way that doesn’t involve hush money.

Thank you for listening and have happy Xmas and a prosperous New Year.

GARAGE BABY.

A woman has given birth to a baby boy in a petrol station in Edinburgh.

Nicola McLean and her partner Julian Skinner were on their way to hospital when they were forced to pull in when they noticed that as the petrol station was closing for Xmas they were offering close to sell by date Ginster pasties at 75% off.

During the pasty purchase Nicola went into Labour but luckily a midwife just happened to be in the petrol station at the same time.

So going into labour turned out to be advantageous for the expectant mother as she saw a mid wife straight away because if she’d made it to the hospital it would have been hours before she saw one. There’s a moral here somewhere.

The baby was delivered in 45 minutes and is doing well. Nicola said she was shocked and tired. Tired because of the strain of pushing a baby out and shocked because the petrol station staff out the CCTV of her giving birth on Youtube.

INITIALS.

A surgeon at the Queen Elizabeth hospital has been suspended over allegations that he branded his initials into a patient’s liver.  This wasn’t necessarily a bad thing because he had obviously carried out a successful operation if he was willing to put his name to it. Given the large number of medical incompetence cases there are nowadays perhaps every surgeon should be legally obliged to sign his name or even a number to an operated on organ. Even jeans come with a factory checkers number on a little slip inside the pocket that denotes that the jeans have been checked and are perfect. 

Yet surgeons can get away with anonymously operating on a liver or a kidney with no comeback blame should the organ has been left upside down, backwards or inside out.

BUCKFAST.

The Monks in Devon who produce Buckfast wine have said that it’s not fair to blame their wine for crime in Scotland. Strathclyde Police (now Police Scotland) revealed that Buckfast consumption has been linked to 6,500 crimes in the last three years.

So like the monks in Devon a lot of Buckfast drinkers sleep in cells, the only difference being that the Monks cells are in a monastery and the crime committers cells are in police stations.

Hampshire based J Chandler and Co which bottles and sells Buckfast is taking legal action to stop Police Scotland adding anti crime labels to Buckfast bottles. The company’s argument is that the majority of Buckfast drinkers drink responsibly. Which is true, it’s the other 49% who are responsible for the Buckfast fuelled chaos. Oddly Buckfast only accounts for 0.5% of alcohol sales in Scotland, but given the fact that Scots drink per head more than the per heads in the rest of the UK that 0.5% is worth £27b a year to the Monks. This probably explains why on the Sunday Times Rich List 2013 ninety four of the top 100 places were taken up with Brothers from Buckfast Abbey.

The order takes no responsibility for the crime figures claiming that they only make the tonic wine and what people choose to do after drinking nine bottles of it has got nothing to do with them.

This could be why the order chose the name Buckfast. It’s because they can pass the Buck faster than anyone.

NIKE FLYKNITS AND NIKE SNOTTERHANKIES, AND MCSHANE FRENCH BEFORE PRISON?

McSHAME

The disgraced Labour ex minister Denis McShane said “quell surprise” as he was sentenced to 6 months in jail for fiddling £13k in expenses.

It’s a French phrase and the BBC News helpfully pointed out that it means in English “what a surprise”. We all knew what quell means, but it was the French for surprise that we were all having trouble with.

French is regarded as the language of love and romance. Therefore was it really that smart for McShane to reveal that he speaks the language of love and romance when he was heading for prison. There are people in there who would literally kill for a bit of love and romance. So in couple of days once McShane has been fought over it’ll be no “quell surprise” that he’ll be someone’s French speaking prison wife and going by the name Denise or someone’s ooh la la prison husband and going by the name Big Den, or Gros Den as it is in French.

All I’m saying is than in honest political circles his name is Mud. That’s obviously a very small circle. And talking of Mud, with that sexy French accent of his he definitely won’t be “Lonely This Xmas”.

In fact Louise Spence find Denis’s French so sexy that he’s been into Liberties with a black bin bag filling it with shoplifted items in the hope of a being Denis’s cellmate. If Louis’s plan works, McShane will be serving the longest 6 month sentence that anyone has ever served. It’ll be so bad it’ll be bordering on a cruel and unusual punishment. Well there’s only so much dancing and mincing about that anyone can take. If you don’t believe me just ask the great British public who are now heartily sick of Mr Spence’s one trick pony act.

SOCKS APPEAL?

The Daily Mail reported that a glorified sock has seen Nike’s net income jump by 40% in the last three months. The sock in question is called the Nike Flyknit and it is indeed a sock with a rubber sports sole. The sock costs $160 and it’s being plugged as eco friendly, hence the price. Nike have realised the planet savers are generally speaking incredibly stupid people who’ll pay through the nose for anything that doesn’t in anyway hurt polar bears. You can sell them anything if you stick Eco in the title such as an Eco Humvee. Why is the Eco Humvee eco?, Because it emits .000006% less carbon monoxide than the regular Humvee. Does it?. Who knows because how can a .0000006% emission drop be measured in normal driving conditions.  The cost of a normal sock is what?. If you get your socks in Harrods perhaps £10 to £15, and if you get your socks from a street trader they are three pairs for a £1. So basically the worst case scenario is that you are paying ( at the current exchange rate of $160 equalling £97) £96.66 to have a bit of rubber glued into your socks.

Great marketing from Nike though because they’ve discovered how to get rid of tons of knitwear that wasn’t selling. They turned the knitwear into socks. Yes, great. But like who is ever grateful, truly grateful when they get a pair of socks for Xmas, no one. Socks are an even worse gift that hankies, and if you’ll be having a terrible Xmas if you receive both.

There seems to be some sort of unwritten rule whereby when you are a man who has turned 22 everyone decides that socks and hankies are the ideal gift for you. That’s why Xmas is rubbish if you are a male over that age. Now though Nike have alleviated the disappoint slightly and you may now be told

“here’s your customary Xmas socks gift, but these socks have a Nike twist........and in the other box there are also a pair of Nikes trainers, I say trainers but they are really hankies with a bit of rubber attached to them”

CURRENCY CON

The Financial Conduct Authority is to investigate manipulation of the currency markets. Manipulation is a euphemism for “fiddling”. Just something else the banks have been up to and to be honest everyone is losing track of their wrong doing. That could be their plan though and the banks realised that  committing one wrong doing would be bad, but committing hundreds of wrong doings would leave the FCA so confused that they wouldn’t know where to start, so they wouldn’t.

So can anyone who works for any financial institution be trusted. Well we can trust them just as much as they trust us, and they don’t trust us at all. Why do you think that banks have the pens at the counters on metal chains? It’s because they think we’ll steal them, and we do if we do our banking in banks with a bolt cutter.

How do you get to be a serious currency trader anyway?. It’s not that easy because the banks have to know that you are serious about currency trading. To find this out they have a test at the interview. They tell you that the Vietnamese currency is called the Dong and if you snigger they don’t give you a job in their trading department. If you don’t snigger they give you one more test which is; “And I happen to have a dong in my pocket would you like to see it”. That obviously only works with male applicants because saying something like that to a female applicant would result in a sexual harassment lawsuit.

But you pass the two Dongs test it shows them that you serious about a career in currency trading, so serious that you know that currency, even currency with a funny trouser furniture name is ripe for fiddling.